I hate my life...

So it is official... I had the absolute worst weekend that any person can possibly have... It all started on Friday when as I posted in my previous two blogs a job interview that, well to put it mildly, cashed and burned then caused a forest fire through the rest of my incredibly sucky weekend. Seeing that I didn't get the job that would have promised financial security for my imminent future, I had to return Friday night to my second job that helps me pay the bills, a job, might I add, that I hate seeing that bartending and waitering is such a profound job!

Conclusion being, after my incredibly disappointing day I got drunk... and with drunk I mean black out drunk! Me being me decided, very irresponsibly I admit, to drive myself home. Somewhere along the road i hit a pothole or a pavement and i got stuck with a flat tire. Now since i have a very bad history with this deceitful and bitter mode of transportation, i didn't have a spare tire. Conclusively I had to sleep in my car next to a garage until the morning came. 

Here I should stress that, waking up with a hangover from hell in a car that's been standing in direct sunlight for 4 hours and then the glaring sunlight itself is not fun at all. I thought I could die right there. after going through my entire contact list, BBM list no one, and I literally mean no one!, was able to help me. and i find it  very frustrating that I am the person that will bend myself backwards to help my friends and my colleagues but when i stand with a crisis no one can do the effort to try and figure out a way to help me, but that is a whole different blog on its own. 

Conclusively, I was left to walk in my dress shoes that chafes the living shit out of my feet and was not made for long distance walking. After the 6 km's of highway and fields I finally made it home. 

So here I sit... no car, no money and no pride left.

And the worst part of it all is the incessant guilt feeling that won't go away. The feeling that I could have killed someone or myself... The totally irresponsibility of what i did! I'm a social worker for Christ's sake! I work with children who's parents are constant drunks, with mothers and wives and sisters who lost a son, husband or brother because of one deluded night of drinking... 

So this is my weekend. The worst of my life till now.

On one good note though my piano is coming today... My silent therapist... well depending on how my mood is, maybe not so silent... and right now... it won't be that silent. 

Oh well... Ces't La Vie

So I didn't get the job...

Little heartbroken... this job could have made a huge difference in my life... but Ces't La Vie...

Right now I'm clinging to the words of Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music when she was quite politely asked to leave the convent, "When the Lord closes a door... Somewhere he opens a window..."

Gonna go get a whole lotta junk food and stuff my face with it... Usually helps... Maybe even work in a sad movie... get the inevitable cry over with.

Que sera sera hey?

Oh dear God why....

So today I did the most nerve wracking thing of my life. At the tender young age of 24 I finally had the unwelcome privilege of going for my first job interview.

And it was terrifying... absolutely terrifying...

The worst part of it all for me is the sheer fact that I have been doing this job for the past four months and, might I add, doing a damn good job at it! As a volunteer in a welfare organisation this would be the ideal situation where I supposedly walk into the office of my supervisor and the job is offered to me instantly with all the benefits at a damn good salary... Dreams... the making of breaking of the human psyche.

However..... Tragedy strikes...

My opponent (and yes I view the other applicants as my opponents) is not just older and more experienced than me (even though she knows jack shit about the new children's act), she is also one of my supervisor's very good friends AND she serves on the board of the organisation... KILL ME NOW!!!! How does one even begin to compete with someone like that... and then to add serious insult to already grievous injury... my stomach decided this morning 'SCREW YOU JACK ASS! Today is the day for diarrhea!' 

WHY!? 

So when it is finally my turn and I finally get to go and sit in the hot seat (it really was a hot seat! while the others were lounging back in the most comfortable sofas, I got to sit in straight back chair in front of them! My interview for my degree was less intimidating than this!) I was sitting there concerned that I might have a fain odor of poo permeating from my already rubbed raw buttocks!! I did however calmly told myself:

"Myself.... you basically just bathed in your cologne... nobody can smell you..... hopefully...."

CURSE YOU INNER VOICE!

After a serious of not so nice questions, that I think i answered correctly, i finally had the initial moment of pleasure where i got to escape my captive situation.... however nobody warned me about the dreaded over-thinking that will come afterwards... For this little madam has a scumbag brain that all of a sudden turned on me!

"YOU WON'T GET IT!! You didn't kiss your supervisor's ass enough......

Torture... physical torture...

So now... we wait... how fun... there is nothing i like more.... fun... such fun....

I really hate my life right now....

So here we go

I have no idea what i am doing.

But let me start at the beginning. At this specific moment in time, that tomorrow will be part of history, is where i intend or aspire to write down who and what i want to be. I have a sudden urge in my life to have my life written from this specific moment forward. So this will be my story, my legacy if you will. I will share my thoughts, my emotions and sometimes my absurd imagination.

So considering that this is the start this will not be an enormous message just a little something to start it all of with.

I have a lot of anger that will probably be brought out. I am a homosexual single gay man fighting for my right to love and be loved in a world where the average homosexual is scrutinized beyond recognition due to the fact that he loves a person with emotions and intellectual thoughts that unfortunately has a dick attached to the his nether regions.

So expect a lot of that.

This blog is for me. I don't care whether or not you read it. I would like to hear opinions and thoughts and i think it might be interesting to be able to incorporate many different views from people that are not just currently in my pathetic little country but are all over the world. I always say that the person that is unable to understand a different view point is dangerous. The person that questions statements stands the chance to live an envisioned life.

So here we go. I hope for the best.