I'm scared...

I was over-thinking everything again this week and for the first time my thoughts actually scared me. I sat there in total shock when I realized; I understand why people commit suicide and I further more understand why people would become heroin junkies.

Completely shocked out of my own mind I had to retrace my steps when I started to completely fathom the dangerous ground that I am treading on all of a sudden. I figured it out after I went through some of my old blogs. This blog was created subconsciously I think for me to understand myself better. In all of my blogs I am negative and don't sound like a person that is happy. I had to face facts here... I am completely and utterly depressed! I have lost ALL control over everything and is right now caught in a swirling mass of debris that was once my life. I've got now aspiration, I'm blaming all my problems on external sources. I am silently and quietly loosing my mind.

God... When did this happen. I was driving in the car a little earlier trying to figure out why and when did this happen... and I couldn't. Did this happen because I wasn't taking responsibility for anything in my life? Either of my jobs? My degree? My own self control?

And then it sunk in... The complete and total comprehension of why people will go so far as to commit suicide. It all just disappears. All of the guilt, the stress, the feelings of fear and paranoia that anything will go wrong any minute, just simply goes away. Here I had to stop myself. I've never even thought about suicide. Except for a small self-mutilation phase I went through in High School, I have generally always been in control and in a state of mind where suicide was the least of my problems.

But it felt very inviting I should add. The knowledge that once it is over, you never have to come back to this disgusting and disappointing world where heartbreak is the order of the day. I don't know what waits on the other side of this life, but even if it is just an eternal sleep... that would also be all right.

The same goes for heroin addiction. It takes away all thought and feeling and in those precious few hours that you are tripping your skull out of your body you are at absolute peace. Everything is tranquil and everything is calm. There is no evil or heartbreak or anything in that moment... but here is the saddest and most ironic thing, when that trip ends... it all comes flooding back... and after that incredible moment of clarity it must feel AWFUL!! to be brought back to this world, where life quite simply sucks. Hence the addiction. Just to feel again that the world is at peace that everything is calm, collected and tranquil. That nothing in this world is a danger to you or your eternal soul.

God what an amazing feeling that must be... I don't think I remember a life before the stress and fear and guilt. I don't think I remember anymore how it feels like to have everything in your life in order and calm and silent.

So drug addicts? Suicide idealists? I understand what you feel and I understand why you would want to go that far... Because eventually, the soul will have to give in... and break or splinter into a million pieces and then what? According to the Buddhists we don't have a soul... we ARE a soul and we have a body. So why let your soul break, when it's easier to just get rid of the body?

My mind is a mess... My life is a mess... and I'm trying desperately to remember the cause I am fighting for and more importantly... WHY I'm fighting for this cause?

Life can be scary sometimes... I guess this is my test... great let's add the fear of losing to my already delicate little word.

I'm scared... and right now?... the fear is winning.

The sniffles...

My little girl is sick!!

Well not my biological little girl but my godchild! and she and her mom lives with me so it is as good as my little girl!

Shame, poor baby woke up with the flu a voice of a 50 year old woman that has been smoking for 40 years and a cough that makes her entire little body convulse. Since I mostly work nights, mommy (and my best friend) asked me whether or not it would be possible for me to babysit our little girl while she has the sniffles.

But, and this part I'm still trying to understand, I'm getting texts every 20 minutes going

"How is she?"
"Is everything all right?"
"How's her cough?"
"What does she say? She feeling better?"

To which I repeatedly reply

"Everything is fine. Cough is gone, she playing around on the computer."

And then after 20 minutes we do the whole dance all over again. Does this ever end? Make no mistake I understand that as a parent all you ever want and all you ever think about is the well being of your child, but does the paranoia that comes along with being a parent ever dissipate? I know there are many parents in this world that doesn't care enough about their children, I'm a social worker with enough clients to know that this is a fact, but I think we should be careful to not move over into the other extreme.

It just scares me to think that might one day be me!! I think I would be a great father, I really do, but I'm frightened when I think about the fact that I will become a paranoid mess whenever my child comes up with a cough, or has to go on a play date. Is it possible to care so much about another person, even if that person is spawned from your loins, that they totally and completely possess your life?

A love that great? Does that really exist?

When was the last time you did something for the first time???

I read on 9gag.com tonight something that made me think about life... The post stated:

Makes you think hey?

This made me think... Are my firsts over? I mean I've had my first kiss, I've lost my virginity (wasn't fun or any good for that matter), I've had my first boyfriend, I've gotten my first degree, I've jumped of a cliff and survived (gorge swing)... My heart was broken for the first time... etc.

So is there anything left in this world? Are all the exciting things over? At 24 years of age is there nothing exhilarating over in this world?

I received the answer tonight..

No.

I had a first tonight! After another irritating and annoying night at a job that I despise with all of my being, I went with a friend to our casino. When arriving their I was first frisked by a short and hilariously dressed security guard. I'm sorry, but how am I supposed to be intimidated by someone in  a red penguin suits with a top hot that went out of style somewhere in the same time that Abraham Lincoln was assassinated! That is like a challenge! "Please try and steal something cause trust me you wanna see me run in this!"

Anyway, absurd uniforms set aside, we went in and I was greeted by a gazillion brilliant bright lights and was overwhelmed by the sound of falling coins. There I stood in the middle of the casino floor surrounded by the sound of money! So I got myself a casino card, and played on a machine a game that I still don't understand and very quickly lost R 200-00...

Yip, my luck has not changed yet.

Even though I lost, I realized with a big ass smile on my face, that even though I had no idea what i was doing, I had a first again!! For the first time in my life, I actually sat at a machiney thing that goes 'ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding' and gambled! I lost R 200-00 yes but I lost R 200-00 of my own money... FOR THE FIRST TIME!

Make no mistake I have no intention of going back and losing any more money. But it was riveting to do something for the first time again... and it gives me hope... there are many firsts still to come... They might be small and pass you by unnoticed, but they will still come.

Well... Should probably get to bed. But felt this was a post worth sharing.

So when was the last time you did something for the first time?

Maleficent hope...

So I woke up this morning to a very fascinating and interesting dream lingering in my head... and a little disturbing I might say. I dreamed about hope and the loss of it. my dream explained to me that hope is not necessarily such a great thing. Though I can't remember the exact setting of the dream I remember there was something with regards to an orphanage there.

But then I thought about it. Hope is the experience or the feeling that things will turn out for the better. So, thus the believe that everything will happen the way that it is supposed to. However, in my experience that is not always the case. Life is not fair and life does not give to us what we are suppose to receive even though we have earned it.

Hope creates dreams and aspirations within is from a predisposed notion that something good will happen to us.

But here I state my question... What happens when that something good does not happen to us?

Take for example the job that would have changed my life should I have gotten it. I was sad and disappointed and crushed to the ground. My dreams and aspirations that I had became null, and as a result I spend the rest of that incredibly disheartening day shoving junk food in my mouth. So in effect hope resulted in a negative aftermath.

Conclusively... is it healthy to hope for the best? Since it so happens that hoping can end up with you shoving junk food down your throat and a big ass which doesn't fit into your favourite jeans anymore...

Forgot what I was going to say...

I have come to realize that I hate a lot of things... Like tonight I got a very snide text from my manager explaining that he will be fining me because of a whole list of bullshit. I mean come on!! Most of his accusation were due to his own simple incompetence of being a good a manager! Like seriously! Because I gave a table of 4 people 3 mints, it is necessary to fine me an X amount of money!? Needless to say I wasn't exactly kind back. Bitchy and to the point...

And then it was when it struck me. I really do hate a lot of things... My boss... My manager... My job... My car... My life... My cellphone... and the saddest part of this whole blog is ... I actually don't hate him...

Like a few weeks ago, I realised that, somewhere deep inside my, what I hope is my prostate (since that would mean it is a sexual thing) and not my belly or heart, felt an inkling of happiness when he walked into the bar and asked me, 'How are you...'

Oh God... Ain't nobody got time for that...

But the saddest part comes when I realised that it would neeeeeever happen between us. He has a whole string of other potential suitors especially this one really adorably cute architect guy that I don't stand a chance against.

That and he looks at me like a very good acquaintance who get's drunk over the weekends and nearly writes of his car.

So now I hate my heart and my traitorous emotions... I thought gay meant happy

Heavens... I can't remember what the point of this blog was...

GOD HATES FAGS... Wait what???!!

Today was a very interesting day...

Our church had a bazaar! So hanging around there with please note, both my parents and my aunt, wen went around having pancakes and braaivleis enjoying the trivialities of being human and part of a congregation. I personally am not a big advocate of the church, which is a little bit problematic especially regarding that my dad is a minister himself of the the Dutch Reformed Church. That is also a whole other blog on it's own.

But i stood there in absolute awe... at the gorgeous men that was there... Honey, a girl has needs!!! And the immediately followed the inevitable guilt. "You are at a church gathering, you syphilitic fool [gasp]." Screw you inner voice!!!

And then followed the resentment...

Now let me please just be clear here. I believe in God, and i definitely believe that Jesus is my savior and that he is the way, the truth and eternal life and that only by Him we will get to God (see? I know my Bible too), but I don't believe in everything the church does or says.

Homosexuals are going to hell. Heaven help us... or rather don't since we are an abomination.

I can't believe for one second that God is that small minded that he doesn't condone love between a man and another guy. Plus, to all those hypocritical straight people out there; if you are sleeping around with woman before you are married, then according to your beloved book you are also doomed to the fire and brimstone that is awaiting you in hell.

I wish sometimes that all people had the opportunity to experience the homosexual life style. We are a jovial lot that loves and cries and cares just the same that you do. I read a post on the internet the one day when trying to understand what it is that the people of the world have against homo's. I was scared out of my skull I might add when I look at some of the riots that are going on in America with regards to the legalization of same sex marriages. Some of the people that stood there with their posters stating that 'GOD HATES FAGS" need to be seriously assaulted with their own bloody signs. After all, Jesus said: "This I [Jesus] say onto you, a new commandment, that you LOVE each other." and as I stated Jesus is my savior not some sad pathetic old woman sitting in the first pew of church every Sunday. So take your bloody signs to a place where they won't offend people or, and this is even better, don't make bloody signs and that way save a tree!

If we can love each other... what a wonderful world it would be.

I love God, I do... but ever since I have accepted my homosexuality it feels like I have to choose between the two. My religion, or Myself, and with all due respect said, how miserable must life be if one cannot accept oneself for who you are. I don't think Jesus would have wanted that. I don't think God wants us to be miserable throughout our lives. He wants us to be happy. So therefore I am, that I am. So therefore to the people who condemn me I say 'BASTA!" nobody cares about your small insignificant little opinions.

So God bless ALL of us. Not just the selective few.