I'm scared...

I was over-thinking everything again this week and for the first time my thoughts actually scared me. I sat there in total shock when I realized; I understand why people commit suicide and I further more understand why people would become heroin junkies.

Completely shocked out of my own mind I had to retrace my steps when I started to completely fathom the dangerous ground that I am treading on all of a sudden. I figured it out after I went through some of my old blogs. This blog was created subconsciously I think for me to understand myself better. In all of my blogs I am negative and don't sound like a person that is happy. I had to face facts here... I am completely and utterly depressed! I have lost ALL control over everything and is right now caught in a swirling mass of debris that was once my life. I've got now aspiration, I'm blaming all my problems on external sources. I am silently and quietly loosing my mind.

God... When did this happen. I was driving in the car a little earlier trying to figure out why and when did this happen... and I couldn't. Did this happen because I wasn't taking responsibility for anything in my life? Either of my jobs? My degree? My own self control?

And then it sunk in... The complete and total comprehension of why people will go so far as to commit suicide. It all just disappears. All of the guilt, the stress, the feelings of fear and paranoia that anything will go wrong any minute, just simply goes away. Here I had to stop myself. I've never even thought about suicide. Except for a small self-mutilation phase I went through in High School, I have generally always been in control and in a state of mind where suicide was the least of my problems.

But it felt very inviting I should add. The knowledge that once it is over, you never have to come back to this disgusting and disappointing world where heartbreak is the order of the day. I don't know what waits on the other side of this life, but even if it is just an eternal sleep... that would also be all right.

The same goes for heroin addiction. It takes away all thought and feeling and in those precious few hours that you are tripping your skull out of your body you are at absolute peace. Everything is tranquil and everything is calm. There is no evil or heartbreak or anything in that moment... but here is the saddest and most ironic thing, when that trip ends... it all comes flooding back... and after that incredible moment of clarity it must feel AWFUL!! to be brought back to this world, where life quite simply sucks. Hence the addiction. Just to feel again that the world is at peace that everything is calm, collected and tranquil. That nothing in this world is a danger to you or your eternal soul.

God what an amazing feeling that must be... I don't think I remember a life before the stress and fear and guilt. I don't think I remember anymore how it feels like to have everything in your life in order and calm and silent.

So drug addicts? Suicide idealists? I understand what you feel and I understand why you would want to go that far... Because eventually, the soul will have to give in... and break or splinter into a million pieces and then what? According to the Buddhists we don't have a soul... we ARE a soul and we have a body. So why let your soul break, when it's easier to just get rid of the body?

My mind is a mess... My life is a mess... and I'm trying desperately to remember the cause I am fighting for and more importantly... WHY I'm fighting for this cause?

Life can be scary sometimes... I guess this is my test... great let's add the fear of losing to my already delicate little word.

I'm scared... and right now?... the fear is winning.