Great expectations...

I said it once before in a blog that I wrote somewhere on this page... In sound of music, Julie Andrews left the convent after unceremoniously having been informed that being married to God and faithful to him and him alone is not necessarily destined for her life. She stood in front of a cross and I think half prayed half convinced herself, that "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window..." Never have I experienced that words to be more true than on this last week in my life. During this week so many era's were closed off, and so many new and exciting phases have started.

Last weekend I had the honour of attending my father's last sermon. Beautiful and filled with the beauty of God like only my father were able to preach the His. It was truly an experience and I am thankful that I did the effort of driving the 900 km home to see my dad say farewell to the calling. It was sad though to witness this. My father has been his entire life so devoted to the Man Upstairs that I couldn't help but feel a sense of betrayal at the hands of God to just make my father stop doing his job. It was at this specific moment and slightly blasphemous thought that I guess God interjected and reminded me that we are but alive and well and willing by His grace. I spoke to my father about this and his words to me were words of hope and promise and excitement for now he ventures into another era and he gets to feel young again (at the ripe old age of 65...). I cried, but it wasn't tears of sadness because of the closing of an era, but because I was happy for my father to have had such an amazing career and have walked with God in a way that I don't think is ever destined to happen to me. So now... they are uprooting fourteen years of memories and work and are now moving to a new town where I truly pray that they are still to be loved and cared for by our heavenly Father.

However, as amazing as this was, this week was climaxed by an even more significant experience in my own life...After having studied for 5 gruelling years, having sweated and cried and bled social work and all it's shortcomings, after having been told I am not really equipped to be a social worker, after removing children from parents who are not supposed to have the right to bring children into this world and after struggling for years financially... I have finally gotten a job... Yes ladies and gentleman, writing here is the new manager of Boschrand Game Lodge in Winburg, Freestate, South Africa..

WTF!!!!

I know! After 4 years, and roughly R 120 000-00 and all that shit that I just mentioned, I get to go and manage a 4 star game farm... and yet, I am not saddened by these turn of events... I look at it with great expectation. My dearest friend and colleague sent me a BBM on my moving day proclaiming that he is as excited as a teenager with sex and that he can't wait to have me here.  I allowed my imagination to run free and with this came so many beautiful ideas that I would like to implement here.

I think that this will be good for me. To be here. To be creative. I have worked long enough in this industry to know that I excel in it. I prayed the other day and I told God, "I have no idea what Your plans are with me, but I am willing to go with it."

So here I am. I am sitting watching the sunrise over a view that I have yet to understand is mine to wake up to every morning... and my heart is sad about having left the people I know, but my soul is like a little child bouncing against the walls, excited over this new adventure that is about to unfold.

Let no one ever tell you that smoking is bad for you....

Let no one ever tell you that cigarettes are bad for you...

It may be that cigarettes cause a morning cough and yes it may be that emphysema is a result of tobacco use, but the thought process of an individual when aligned with a burning fag is unquestionably one of the most valuable aspects of cigarettes that are not to fall to waste. Cigarettes are less fattening and less addictive than Coke I might add (the cool drink not the drug...)

Why this sudden defending of smoking you may ask? Well, it was this morning with a lit smoke in my right hand and a cup of ambition in my left that the wisdom fairy came and bestowed on me some logic... And fortuantely for the little queen that I am, one of my gayest of idols has already made a tribute to this post when she sang; "What's love got to do got to do with it?" (You sang that in you head didnt you? Haha, I knew it)

He's off his mind... it's over with him.

Stop it and bare with me...

So Tina Turner flashed into my mind this morning whilst trying to gather a little bit of brain activity. This song (which is quite annoying I might add when stuck in your head) popped up and started an infinite loop in my already chaotic brain. Trying to explain my brain's way of thinking will require a scientific study in which probably even the theory of relativity will be declared null. Due to a course that is not quite clear to even myself I concluded, after starting on Tina, that one does not in fact marry for love...

It's atrocious!!! How dare you blaspheme like that!!!

Calm the fuck down. I do have a valid point that goes with it...

Firstly I want to get one thing quite clear. I believe absolutely and resolutely in the sanctity of marriage. I support marriage and I myself would like to get married someday. However, with Tina Turner echoing in my head, I did manage to figure out for myself that, in order for us to get married it takes more and NEEDS more than just love as fuel.
Take the following into consideration: When one get's married to another person, one commits oneself to a LIFETIME with that person... This is not a choice to be taken lightly...

It feel to me sometimes that people forget about the lifetime part. We all love people in our lives and we all have people that we want to keep in our lives forever, and that in itself is very noble, but are you willing to alter you future completely for that sake?

People nowadays have a terrible tendency to get married very young and early... The worst excuse for this I have ever heard was when a woman told me that she wants to be a young and hot mom... I nearly fucking died. When getting married one says that you are willing to create a life with someone other than yourself and then STICK TO THAT LIFE that you have created... Sounds a little more intimidating now doesn't it?

Creating this life is not easy... Creating this life involves having a financially secure and steady future. To raise children in a house that is filled with love. To take care of these children you so desperately want and to ensure that your spawn isn't one day the spawn of satan...

So here's my problem... Why do we get married to the first person we see because we "love" them? Love is not the only factor that we need to keep in mind when vowing to another person an entire life of commitment. We are vowing to stick to someone even when there is no money and no good times... we vow to stay with that person even after they have angered us. We vow to stay with that person when they are no longer capable of taking care of themselves.

Therefore, I do not care if I am called a snob for wanting a life partner that has a degree and ambition or someone with a steady head on their shoulders, cause at the end of the day when I get married and it has to be forever, why would I force upon myself a life of misery and unhappiness. To make such a life altering decision I will not settle on second best, when I owe myself everything.

Maybe I am a bit snotty for feeling this way, but considering the divorce rate all over the world, I think more people should start thinking like this. At the end of the day, or the marriage when it comes to that, there are more people involved than just you...

And to think... All of this started with a bloody smoke break...

I'm scared...

I was over-thinking everything again this week and for the first time my thoughts actually scared me. I sat there in total shock when I realized; I understand why people commit suicide and I further more understand why people would become heroin junkies.

Completely shocked out of my own mind I had to retrace my steps when I started to completely fathom the dangerous ground that I am treading on all of a sudden. I figured it out after I went through some of my old blogs. This blog was created subconsciously I think for me to understand myself better. In all of my blogs I am negative and don't sound like a person that is happy. I had to face facts here... I am completely and utterly depressed! I have lost ALL control over everything and is right now caught in a swirling mass of debris that was once my life. I've got now aspiration, I'm blaming all my problems on external sources. I am silently and quietly loosing my mind.

God... When did this happen. I was driving in the car a little earlier trying to figure out why and when did this happen... and I couldn't. Did this happen because I wasn't taking responsibility for anything in my life? Either of my jobs? My degree? My own self control?

And then it sunk in... The complete and total comprehension of why people will go so far as to commit suicide. It all just disappears. All of the guilt, the stress, the feelings of fear and paranoia that anything will go wrong any minute, just simply goes away. Here I had to stop myself. I've never even thought about suicide. Except for a small self-mutilation phase I went through in High School, I have generally always been in control and in a state of mind where suicide was the least of my problems.

But it felt very inviting I should add. The knowledge that once it is over, you never have to come back to this disgusting and disappointing world where heartbreak is the order of the day. I don't know what waits on the other side of this life, but even if it is just an eternal sleep... that would also be all right.

The same goes for heroin addiction. It takes away all thought and feeling and in those precious few hours that you are tripping your skull out of your body you are at absolute peace. Everything is tranquil and everything is calm. There is no evil or heartbreak or anything in that moment... but here is the saddest and most ironic thing, when that trip ends... it all comes flooding back... and after that incredible moment of clarity it must feel AWFUL!! to be brought back to this world, where life quite simply sucks. Hence the addiction. Just to feel again that the world is at peace that everything is calm, collected and tranquil. That nothing in this world is a danger to you or your eternal soul.

God what an amazing feeling that must be... I don't think I remember a life before the stress and fear and guilt. I don't think I remember anymore how it feels like to have everything in your life in order and calm and silent.

So drug addicts? Suicide idealists? I understand what you feel and I understand why you would want to go that far... Because eventually, the soul will have to give in... and break or splinter into a million pieces and then what? According to the Buddhists we don't have a soul... we ARE a soul and we have a body. So why let your soul break, when it's easier to just get rid of the body?

My mind is a mess... My life is a mess... and I'm trying desperately to remember the cause I am fighting for and more importantly... WHY I'm fighting for this cause?

Life can be scary sometimes... I guess this is my test... great let's add the fear of losing to my already delicate little word.

I'm scared... and right now?... the fear is winning.

The sniffles...

My little girl is sick!!

Well not my biological little girl but my godchild! and she and her mom lives with me so it is as good as my little girl!

Shame, poor baby woke up with the flu a voice of a 50 year old woman that has been smoking for 40 years and a cough that makes her entire little body convulse. Since I mostly work nights, mommy (and my best friend) asked me whether or not it would be possible for me to babysit our little girl while she has the sniffles.

But, and this part I'm still trying to understand, I'm getting texts every 20 minutes going

"How is she?"
"Is everything all right?"
"How's her cough?"
"What does she say? She feeling better?"

To which I repeatedly reply

"Everything is fine. Cough is gone, she playing around on the computer."

And then after 20 minutes we do the whole dance all over again. Does this ever end? Make no mistake I understand that as a parent all you ever want and all you ever think about is the well being of your child, but does the paranoia that comes along with being a parent ever dissipate? I know there are many parents in this world that doesn't care enough about their children, I'm a social worker with enough clients to know that this is a fact, but I think we should be careful to not move over into the other extreme.

It just scares me to think that might one day be me!! I think I would be a great father, I really do, but I'm frightened when I think about the fact that I will become a paranoid mess whenever my child comes up with a cough, or has to go on a play date. Is it possible to care so much about another person, even if that person is spawned from your loins, that they totally and completely possess your life?

A love that great? Does that really exist?

When was the last time you did something for the first time???

I read on 9gag.com tonight something that made me think about life... The post stated:

Makes you think hey?

This made me think... Are my firsts over? I mean I've had my first kiss, I've lost my virginity (wasn't fun or any good for that matter), I've had my first boyfriend, I've gotten my first degree, I've jumped of a cliff and survived (gorge swing)... My heart was broken for the first time... etc.

So is there anything left in this world? Are all the exciting things over? At 24 years of age is there nothing exhilarating over in this world?

I received the answer tonight..

No.

I had a first tonight! After another irritating and annoying night at a job that I despise with all of my being, I went with a friend to our casino. When arriving their I was first frisked by a short and hilariously dressed security guard. I'm sorry, but how am I supposed to be intimidated by someone in  a red penguin suits with a top hot that went out of style somewhere in the same time that Abraham Lincoln was assassinated! That is like a challenge! "Please try and steal something cause trust me you wanna see me run in this!"

Anyway, absurd uniforms set aside, we went in and I was greeted by a gazillion brilliant bright lights and was overwhelmed by the sound of falling coins. There I stood in the middle of the casino floor surrounded by the sound of money! So I got myself a casino card, and played on a machine a game that I still don't understand and very quickly lost R 200-00...

Yip, my luck has not changed yet.

Even though I lost, I realized with a big ass smile on my face, that even though I had no idea what i was doing, I had a first again!! For the first time in my life, I actually sat at a machiney thing that goes 'ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding' and gambled! I lost R 200-00 yes but I lost R 200-00 of my own money... FOR THE FIRST TIME!

Make no mistake I have no intention of going back and losing any more money. But it was riveting to do something for the first time again... and it gives me hope... there are many firsts still to come... They might be small and pass you by unnoticed, but they will still come.

Well... Should probably get to bed. But felt this was a post worth sharing.

So when was the last time you did something for the first time?

Maleficent hope...

So I woke up this morning to a very fascinating and interesting dream lingering in my head... and a little disturbing I might say. I dreamed about hope and the loss of it. my dream explained to me that hope is not necessarily such a great thing. Though I can't remember the exact setting of the dream I remember there was something with regards to an orphanage there.

But then I thought about it. Hope is the experience or the feeling that things will turn out for the better. So, thus the believe that everything will happen the way that it is supposed to. However, in my experience that is not always the case. Life is not fair and life does not give to us what we are suppose to receive even though we have earned it.

Hope creates dreams and aspirations within is from a predisposed notion that something good will happen to us.

But here I state my question... What happens when that something good does not happen to us?

Take for example the job that would have changed my life should I have gotten it. I was sad and disappointed and crushed to the ground. My dreams and aspirations that I had became null, and as a result I spend the rest of that incredibly disheartening day shoving junk food in my mouth. So in effect hope resulted in a negative aftermath.

Conclusively... is it healthy to hope for the best? Since it so happens that hoping can end up with you shoving junk food down your throat and a big ass which doesn't fit into your favourite jeans anymore...

Forgot what I was going to say...

I have come to realize that I hate a lot of things... Like tonight I got a very snide text from my manager explaining that he will be fining me because of a whole list of bullshit. I mean come on!! Most of his accusation were due to his own simple incompetence of being a good a manager! Like seriously! Because I gave a table of 4 people 3 mints, it is necessary to fine me an X amount of money!? Needless to say I wasn't exactly kind back. Bitchy and to the point...

And then it was when it struck me. I really do hate a lot of things... My boss... My manager... My job... My car... My life... My cellphone... and the saddest part of this whole blog is ... I actually don't hate him...

Like a few weeks ago, I realised that, somewhere deep inside my, what I hope is my prostate (since that would mean it is a sexual thing) and not my belly or heart, felt an inkling of happiness when he walked into the bar and asked me, 'How are you...'

Oh God... Ain't nobody got time for that...

But the saddest part comes when I realised that it would neeeeeever happen between us. He has a whole string of other potential suitors especially this one really adorably cute architect guy that I don't stand a chance against.

That and he looks at me like a very good acquaintance who get's drunk over the weekends and nearly writes of his car.

So now I hate my heart and my traitorous emotions... I thought gay meant happy

Heavens... I can't remember what the point of this blog was...

GOD HATES FAGS... Wait what???!!

Today was a very interesting day...

Our church had a bazaar! So hanging around there with please note, both my parents and my aunt, wen went around having pancakes and braaivleis enjoying the trivialities of being human and part of a congregation. I personally am not a big advocate of the church, which is a little bit problematic especially regarding that my dad is a minister himself of the the Dutch Reformed Church. That is also a whole other blog on it's own.

But i stood there in absolute awe... at the gorgeous men that was there... Honey, a girl has needs!!! And the immediately followed the inevitable guilt. "You are at a church gathering, you syphilitic fool [gasp]." Screw you inner voice!!!

And then followed the resentment...

Now let me please just be clear here. I believe in God, and i definitely believe that Jesus is my savior and that he is the way, the truth and eternal life and that only by Him we will get to God (see? I know my Bible too), but I don't believe in everything the church does or says.

Homosexuals are going to hell. Heaven help us... or rather don't since we are an abomination.

I can't believe for one second that God is that small minded that he doesn't condone love between a man and another guy. Plus, to all those hypocritical straight people out there; if you are sleeping around with woman before you are married, then according to your beloved book you are also doomed to the fire and brimstone that is awaiting you in hell.

I wish sometimes that all people had the opportunity to experience the homosexual life style. We are a jovial lot that loves and cries and cares just the same that you do. I read a post on the internet the one day when trying to understand what it is that the people of the world have against homo's. I was scared out of my skull I might add when I look at some of the riots that are going on in America with regards to the legalization of same sex marriages. Some of the people that stood there with their posters stating that 'GOD HATES FAGS" need to be seriously assaulted with their own bloody signs. After all, Jesus said: "This I [Jesus] say onto you, a new commandment, that you LOVE each other." and as I stated Jesus is my savior not some sad pathetic old woman sitting in the first pew of church every Sunday. So take your bloody signs to a place where they won't offend people or, and this is even better, don't make bloody signs and that way save a tree!

If we can love each other... what a wonderful world it would be.

I love God, I do... but ever since I have accepted my homosexuality it feels like I have to choose between the two. My religion, or Myself, and with all due respect said, how miserable must life be if one cannot accept oneself for who you are. I don't think Jesus would have wanted that. I don't think God wants us to be miserable throughout our lives. He wants us to be happy. So therefore I am, that I am. So therefore to the people who condemn me I say 'BASTA!" nobody cares about your small insignificant little opinions.

So God bless ALL of us. Not just the selective few.

I hate my life...

So it is official... I had the absolute worst weekend that any person can possibly have... It all started on Friday when as I posted in my previous two blogs a job interview that, well to put it mildly, cashed and burned then caused a forest fire through the rest of my incredibly sucky weekend. Seeing that I didn't get the job that would have promised financial security for my imminent future, I had to return Friday night to my second job that helps me pay the bills, a job, might I add, that I hate seeing that bartending and waitering is such a profound job!

Conclusion being, after my incredibly disappointing day I got drunk... and with drunk I mean black out drunk! Me being me decided, very irresponsibly I admit, to drive myself home. Somewhere along the road i hit a pothole or a pavement and i got stuck with a flat tire. Now since i have a very bad history with this deceitful and bitter mode of transportation, i didn't have a spare tire. Conclusively I had to sleep in my car next to a garage until the morning came. 

Here I should stress that, waking up with a hangover from hell in a car that's been standing in direct sunlight for 4 hours and then the glaring sunlight itself is not fun at all. I thought I could die right there. after going through my entire contact list, BBM list no one, and I literally mean no one!, was able to help me. and i find it  very frustrating that I am the person that will bend myself backwards to help my friends and my colleagues but when i stand with a crisis no one can do the effort to try and figure out a way to help me, but that is a whole different blog on its own. 

Conclusively, I was left to walk in my dress shoes that chafes the living shit out of my feet and was not made for long distance walking. After the 6 km's of highway and fields I finally made it home. 

So here I sit... no car, no money and no pride left.

And the worst part of it all is the incessant guilt feeling that won't go away. The feeling that I could have killed someone or myself... The totally irresponsibility of what i did! I'm a social worker for Christ's sake! I work with children who's parents are constant drunks, with mothers and wives and sisters who lost a son, husband or brother because of one deluded night of drinking... 

So this is my weekend. The worst of my life till now.

On one good note though my piano is coming today... My silent therapist... well depending on how my mood is, maybe not so silent... and right now... it won't be that silent. 

Oh well... Ces't La Vie

So I didn't get the job...

Little heartbroken... this job could have made a huge difference in my life... but Ces't La Vie...

Right now I'm clinging to the words of Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music when she was quite politely asked to leave the convent, "When the Lord closes a door... Somewhere he opens a window..."

Gonna go get a whole lotta junk food and stuff my face with it... Usually helps... Maybe even work in a sad movie... get the inevitable cry over with.

Que sera sera hey?

Oh dear God why....

So today I did the most nerve wracking thing of my life. At the tender young age of 24 I finally had the unwelcome privilege of going for my first job interview.

And it was terrifying... absolutely terrifying...

The worst part of it all for me is the sheer fact that I have been doing this job for the past four months and, might I add, doing a damn good job at it! As a volunteer in a welfare organisation this would be the ideal situation where I supposedly walk into the office of my supervisor and the job is offered to me instantly with all the benefits at a damn good salary... Dreams... the making of breaking of the human psyche.

However..... Tragedy strikes...

My opponent (and yes I view the other applicants as my opponents) is not just older and more experienced than me (even though she knows jack shit about the new children's act), she is also one of my supervisor's very good friends AND she serves on the board of the organisation... KILL ME NOW!!!! How does one even begin to compete with someone like that... and then to add serious insult to already grievous injury... my stomach decided this morning 'SCREW YOU JACK ASS! Today is the day for diarrhea!' 

WHY!? 

So when it is finally my turn and I finally get to go and sit in the hot seat (it really was a hot seat! while the others were lounging back in the most comfortable sofas, I got to sit in straight back chair in front of them! My interview for my degree was less intimidating than this!) I was sitting there concerned that I might have a fain odor of poo permeating from my already rubbed raw buttocks!! I did however calmly told myself:

"Myself.... you basically just bathed in your cologne... nobody can smell you..... hopefully...."

CURSE YOU INNER VOICE!

After a serious of not so nice questions, that I think i answered correctly, i finally had the initial moment of pleasure where i got to escape my captive situation.... however nobody warned me about the dreaded over-thinking that will come afterwards... For this little madam has a scumbag brain that all of a sudden turned on me!

"YOU WON'T GET IT!! You didn't kiss your supervisor's ass enough......

Torture... physical torture...

So now... we wait... how fun... there is nothing i like more.... fun... such fun....

I really hate my life right now....

So here we go

I have no idea what i am doing.

But let me start at the beginning. At this specific moment in time, that tomorrow will be part of history, is where i intend or aspire to write down who and what i want to be. I have a sudden urge in my life to have my life written from this specific moment forward. So this will be my story, my legacy if you will. I will share my thoughts, my emotions and sometimes my absurd imagination.

So considering that this is the start this will not be an enormous message just a little something to start it all of with.

I have a lot of anger that will probably be brought out. I am a homosexual single gay man fighting for my right to love and be loved in a world where the average homosexual is scrutinized beyond recognition due to the fact that he loves a person with emotions and intellectual thoughts that unfortunately has a dick attached to the his nether regions.

So expect a lot of that.

This blog is for me. I don't care whether or not you read it. I would like to hear opinions and thoughts and i think it might be interesting to be able to incorporate many different views from people that are not just currently in my pathetic little country but are all over the world. I always say that the person that is unable to understand a different view point is dangerous. The person that questions statements stands the chance to live an envisioned life.

So here we go. I hope for the best.